Dear American Library Association–
We have been friends for a while now, so I feel like we can be honest with each other. Remember when you told me I don’t look good in capri pants? And I listened to you because I know you only told me out of love, not jealousy over my (still-fabulously toned, BTW) calves? Well, it’s with that same spirit that I tell you this:
What the heck were you thinking? NEW ORLEANS? In the SUMMER? Did you not get the memo that the whole city is EIGHT FEET BELOW SEA LEVEL AND IS BASICALLY A DRAINED SWAMP??? Did you not see that its climate is listed as “subtropical,” which means that the humidity makes it pretty much like WALKING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN NEAR AN ACTIVELY VENTING VOLCANO, only the steaming hot water is the sweat pouring from your skin?
It’s enough to prematurely deafen a clown fish!
I gotta ask: have you not met your members, of which I consider myself an honorary hanger-on? We are not women who welcome going from a chilled convention center or hotel into the blazing thirty billion degree heat an average of six times a day. We know what a hot flash is, thank you very much. And our male colleagues are not the sort who wear wife-beaters and flip flops to fight the crushing heat. These are learned men who prefer sports coats and the dapper attire befitting their myriad literary interests. Don’t believe what you see on TV. A button-down polo shirt is still hot if you are standing in the part of hell that even Dante wouldn’t write about.
Lookit, I’m from Atlanta. I’m used to the heat, but we travel in air-conditioned tubes like God intended. I spend an average of thirty-eight seconds a day outdoors during the summer. This is not walking weather here in New Orleans. This is passing out weather. This is, “I just took a shower and now I have to take six more so I don’t offend strangers on the elevator” weather. This, in short, is torture weather, which, last I checked, was outlawed by the Geneva Convention (in the “weather, hell-fire” section) which I’m pretty sure you have a copy of in your local library, because that is just the sort of thing that libraries have.
Two words: Nova Scotia. I hear it is lovely this time of year.
I will have a blog on my excellent ALA events tomorrow night, but for now–
Why, American Library Association? WHY?
Your humble servant